Everyone has an opinion on love. What love is or when it’s real. Who to love and who to forget. I learned this past three months that no one can tell you what love is but yourself. And I have firmly decided that love is tricky.
When I was 17 I met the man who became my very first boyfriend. He became my first kiss and eventually he stole my heart and became my first love. We were together for a little over 3 years when things ended. Now, being a stupid teenager I messed things up. I think we need some back story so that I can tell you just how I messed up.
I loved this boy more than anyone I have loved previously. He became my everything. We did not have a healthy relationship though. He was simultaneously the sweetest and yet … kind of not sweet at all. He would hide things from me and he wouldn’t invite me places with him. At times it felt like he was ashamed of me. He flirted with other girls because he wanted “to make them feel better”. But he also ran 30 minutes in a snow storm, leaving his friends, just because he knew I was sad and he wanted to comfort me. He read to me and held me. He made me feel more comfortable in my own skin than anyone else ever has. It was a very bitter sweet relationship. It was frustrating but he was worth it all to me.
And then he started saying he didn’t know if he loved me. But I can’t blame him. Somewhere along the line I feel like he lost himself. I feel like he wanted to go experience the world to find himself but he couldn’t because he was always too worried about upsetting me. I loved him so much and as cliched as it sounds I needed to set him free so he could find himself.
Back to me being stupid though. I had tried approaching the conversation of a break up before by saying that I didn’t think he was happy with me. He quickly banished those thoughts from my mind saying that he was happy with me. But I couldn’t shake the feeling. So stupid little me, feeling like we had to break up so we could find ourselves, told him I had a crush on a different guy (which I did think this guy was cute but he didn’t have anything on my first love) and told him that I thought it might be best to break up so i could pursue things with the other guy. Stupid. Stupid me. I should have just told him the truth about it. But I felt like the other guy would be the easiest way for my first love to move on with his life and start doing the things he always wanted to. He is young and he deserves a life of fun and adventure. A life that I couldn’t give to him in most aspects.
I did pursue things with the other guy… too quickly. I needed that distraction to help with how upset I was about sending away my first love. It’s been almost 3 months and I miss my first even more every day. I want him back in my life but he looks happier and he told me that he is happier then he has been in a very long time. I can honestly say that he will always be the thief that stole my heart. And even though people tell me he isn’t good for me and that I’m better with someone else. I will never fully believe them because he gave me the best memories and love I could have asked for. He made every bad day worth it if it meant I got to see him smile.
And so now I am here. Dating a guy I’m not that into (yes I am awful and I am trying to sort this out). Missing my ex more than anyone can imagine. Losing friends because I moved on too quickly. But finding which friends are really going to be there for me. Love is tricky because sometimes even when you love someone you can’t be with them. It’s tricky because sometimes no matter how badly you want to just start loving someone else you can’t. Love is tricky because there are so many different kinds of love and you will never forget you first love. And love sucks because even though you were incredibly happy (and confused and sad sometimes but mostly happy) sometimes the person you love will be happier with someone else. And when you really love someone you let them find their happiness. Even if it means you don’t get to be in the picture smiling with them. Even if it means you are hearing second hand how happy they are. Love is tricky because when you really love someone but you have to set them free it hurts so much… but the love you have for them makes you happy just knowing that they are happier.
I’m actually working on a series of Krieg Fic at the moment. But for now, a little scene that I’ve had in my head for a while.
Maya was up at the crack of dawn. She always was. A little something leftover from the Monks. Generally Zer0 was up as well, if he even bothered to sleep. They would do warm-up exercises, which generally consisted of yoga and sometimes gutting nearby bandits. It was a good start to any day. Only, Zer0 was nowhere to be found.
Nothing too unusual, really. He liked to disappear for hours, sometimes days, only to come back and complain about how bored he was. Axton and Salvador were asleep near the firepit, and would likely stay asleep until they smelled food or heard gunshot. Whichever came first.
And then there was Gaige and the Psycho. Krieg. The wanted posters called him Krieg. And the name just sort of stuck. She was collapsed on top of him, absorbing his body heat, as the both slept. She snored loudly and he twitched and mumbled constantly. Neither seemed to care.
Loving this ship.